forged_anew | 17 - [voice] Return to the land of the living

[Zuko turns his communicator on, but there is only silence for a long time. He doesn't really know what to say. After a while, he speaks, voice quiet and flat.]

I'm... back.

[.......]

I apologize for having worried you.

[And that's it. The communicator shuts off with a soft click.]

Current Mood: listless
Current Location: Horton 114

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

foxtamer.livejournal.com

[Minato can't help but continue to smile--although it grows a bit sad as he continues to speak.]

Now that you're only posturing instead of actually being depressed, maybe we should get onto a more serious topic...?

From:

forged_anew

[Zuko blinks, stiffening slightly, then sighing a little. He sits up a bit straighter, looking off into the distance.]

Like what?

[Oh, like he doesn't already know. But it's worth the chance he might have assumed wrongly.]

From:

foxtamer.livejournal.com

Like about how you're holding up emotionally.

[Minato sighs, then glances to Zuko with concern.]

Dying wasn't easy for me. I had to come to terms with it. ... Have you dealt with it yet?

From:

forged_anew

[Zuko doesn't look at him, eyes roaming somewhere outside the window and watching the snow fall.]

I don't care that I died. I just don't like the fact I upset everyone.

...there are people I want to protect. Not only did I hurt those people, but now I'm stuck without my Firebending again. It's frustrating.

From:

foxtamer.livejournal.com

[Minato sighs a little. He's not sure whether Zuko's lying or not about his reaction to his death, but there's nothing he can do about that right now. Right now, he can only take what Zuko said at face value.]

It's better than upsetting no one. It means that they care about you, Zuko. It's one of those trade-offs about being human.

I'm frustrated about not having my abilities either, but I'm not letting that stop me from trying to protect those I care about. Do you have other skills at your disposal? And there's always the option that I could train you in physical abilities that don't require firebending. Grumping about it won't change anything--you have to be proactive.

From:

forged_anew

[Yeah, he's lying. Dying seriously freaked him out, and the issues about Muraki are rather upsetting too. But he's not about to tell you that.

Zuko sighs, finally turning to look at Minato, sounding a tiny bit exasperated. It's not like he doesn't appreciate the pep-talk, but it's not changing the facts.]

I have my swords and martial arts, but sometimes that's not enough. Especially when I know there are times I could have done something.

But sure. I wouldn't mind training with you.

From:

foxtamer.livejournal.com

[Minato smiles softly at that.]

Swords and Martial Arts? That's a start, at least. We can compare styles... and I can teach you throwing knives and shuriken. Having the ability to attack at a distance is pretty useful.

From:

forged_anew

[Zuko nods appreciatively]

Yes, projectile weapons would be useful. I'd like to learn that. But do you have enough to spare? I doubt this place will conveniently sell them or anything.

From:

foxtamer.livejournal.com

[Minato chuckles.]

As long as we choose someplace where it'd be possible to retrieve the knives, it should be fine!

From:

forged_anew

That makes sense.

[And he's staring off into space again, eyes far away and unreadable.]

From:

foxtamer.livejournal.com

[Damn. The kid's back to brooding again. He must have lied about being over his death. Minato figured he did, but now he's more sure about it.

He lets out a sigh, then stretches and leans back, putting his arms on top the back of the couch, on either side of him. Conveniently, one arm is over the side Zuko is on. It's not touching him, but it would only take a moment of movement to change that.]

...

From:

forged_anew

[Zuko stiffens a little when he registers the older man's movement, the placement of his arm. He knows what Minato is doing, and his chest and throat are tightening suddenly in response, at the prospect of just letting himself seek comfort.

But no, he can't do that. He'd stayed strong in front of Mai; he'd keep it up. He isn't a little boy anymore. He can take care of his problems on his own. Isn't that what he'd been doing for years now? Ever since Mother left... He has no need for this. He barely knows this man.

And already he was wishing Minato had taken the role of father in his life long ago. He can't remember Ozai ever offering what the blonde man offered right now. Never.

But, no, he can't... So he'd died. So what? People here don't care about death; they come back. They accept it. It's not a big deal. He's being childish and he isn't a child anymore.

Jaw clenched and fighting the lump in his throat, Zuko doesn't let himself look over or lean back, and simply pretends not to notice.

The silence continues.]

From:

foxtamer.livejournal.com

[Minato lets the silence hold on for another minute before he sighs and glances softly to Zuko.]

I'll tell you a secret about being an adult.

[He smiles sadly.]

The difference between an adult and a child is that an adult knows when they need others to help them through something. A child either asks for comfort all the time or never asks for help, even when they need it. They either end up crying all the time or never showing how upset they are until they explode. Neither is healthy. What you have to do is to find balance.

You may think you're burdening others by talking about it, or being upset, but it's more of a burden to not tell anyone. Especially when you're dealing with something like death and can't easily work out the emotions by yourself.

[Minato sighs, then glances forward, not looking at Zuko's anymore. His face takes on a somber look. It's time to do it by example.]

When I died... I couldn't stop thinking about my family. About how I wouldn't see Naruto grow up, or see Kushina's smiling face again. I wouldn't be there for the first day of school, the day he graduated, the day he became one of the best ninjas of our village. It physically hurt, knowing that.

[He swallows a bit, and it's obvious the next part is a bit harder to say.]

But that wasn't what terrified me. What terrified me was that I could feel my life force slip away. Bit by bit, as I completed the technique that would seal the demon. And the sealing too so long, far too long, and my ninjas were dying left and right, trying to hold back the demon fox until I arrived. Part of me wanted to hurry the technique, and thus hurry my death so that I could protect my people... but at the same time, I d-didn't want to die.

[His voice drops lower, almost to a mumble.]

I still wonder if I could have saved more people if I hadn't of been afraid of dying....

From:

forged_anew

[Even as Minato speaks, Zuko still keeps his eyes averted, staring out the window but paying close attention to his words.

It was as if the blonde man had read his mind. The difference between adults and children... the difference between a banished prince and the Firelord. Balance. Uncle liked to use that word a lot, but it wasn't a concept Zuko found easy to understand. He'd been in turmoil, inside and out, for so long that balance seemed an impossible concept. Even now... He thought he'd grown, but Minato's words reminded him. He had a lot to learn still.

He listens, saying nothing, unmoving, and he can tell how hard it is for Minato to tell him his story as he continues. He can tell the other man is saying these words for the first time. Trusting Zuko with one of his greatest secrets.

And when Minato begins to tell him how he'd felt, when he gets to the part about what it was like to feel his life draining away, it hits home. Because even though, unlike Minato, Zuko had had the tiny, unproven hope that here, he'd come back, he hadn't been sure. Even though it might not be permanent, he'd been afraid. To be so weak, useless, unable to fight or defend. He told himself it was frustrating, annoying, but that was a lie. It was terrifying.

He was only seventeen. He hadn't wanted to die. And even now that he was back, the feeling of helplessness remained in vivid memory, a weight in his chest. Breathless, blinding, incapacitating helplessness. He hadn't been able to do anything. And so he'd died, weak and useless and having accomplished nothing.

What if that happened at home? What if he died and let everything unravel, left the world to its war once more and his nation in the hands of rebels? Had he always been this helpless? There'd been nothing he could do...

Minato finishes speaking, and Zuko realizes belatedly his breath is caught in his lungs, chest tight. He chokes a little on it, fighting the lump in his throat and unable to speak past it. By the time he realizes what he's doing, he looks over. He doesn't mean for Minato to see the moisture clinging to his eyelashes, the wide-eyes fear in his eyes. He shifts slightly, biting his lip without realizing it, then starts as his shoulder brushes Minato's arm, still draped over the back of the couch.]

From:

foxtamer.livejournal.com

[Minato noted Zuko's response in a detached sort of way, strangely satisfied even as he worked through his own emotions. His words had hit home. He understood Zuko more than he thought.

Zuko wasn't the type to talk. People dealt with pain differently, and Zuko wasn't used to letting anyone see his weaknesses. But he also wasn't the type that would work through his pain alone.

So Minato would have to talk for him. It was that simple.

The kid's close to tears and jumpy as well--Minato doesn't purposefully touch him yet, as he starts to speak.]

Watching that demon wreck everything... I had felt helpless, at first. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to stop it, or to save my wife as she went into labor. The hardest part was to work through that, to force myself to be strong in the face of what was happening. Others depended on me.

[He glances at Zuko.]

I could have stayed that way forever, letting that fear consume me. But I didn't--I couldn't.

[The words "And neither can you" are left unsaid, but Minato's gaze speaks them.]

The only thing I could do was work with what I had. The others couldn't do it. Only I was young enough, and strong enough, to have a spirit that could match the demon--a necessity to make the sealing technique work at the cost of my life. But even then, there was something my shinobi could do--they fought for me, to buy me the time I needed. If I hadn't of been for them, I never would have succeeded. It was a team effort. I had to rely on others in order to save them. As powerful as I was, I couldn't do everything myself.

[The words "And neither can you" are still left unsaid, but they're louder now. Minato's gaze then softens.]

I haven't fully gotten over the pain of my death, or of the loss I felt when I came here and realized what had happened in my absence. But I'm not letting the grief, pain, or fear consume me, either. I have to move forward, bit by bit.

[This time, the words are "And so do you."]

Zuko... I already know how strong you are, and how strong you're bound to become. There's no need to hide behind a false curtain of pride. Not with me.

From:

forged_anew

[And again, Minato was reading his mind, picking apart the thoughts he couldn't voice himself and laying them flat for him to examine, talking through them in a way Zuko couldn't.

Move forward.

Of course, it was silly to be hung up on it still since he was back. Death was meaningless here.

But no, Zuko corrects himself silently. That's not what Minato is saying. The man never once insinuated Zuko was stupid to be stuck like this, never once voice even a single syllable in a critical tone. Zuko had spent his life bearing punishments and criticisms, but Minato isn't seeking to find his faults.

He wants to help. Genuinely and truly, he wants to understand, and there's no catch, no politics, no hidden consequences.

Move forward. Let it go.

It's not a criticism or an order. It's an extended hand, reaching out for him, pulling him gently to safety.

He doesn't need to put up a front, doesn't need to keep up any sort of image, doesn't have to be afraid of letting somebody down or showing weakness. Minato's voice is gentle and sincere. He's not being judged or used or threatened. Even with his uncle, Zuko felt the weight of family, politics, past failures. That wasn't to say he thought Iroh hadn't forgiven him or that his uncle held anything against him because he knew it wasn't the case. But his blemished past was there, his wrongdoings still existing somewhere in the background. It wasn't the same kind of freedom he was being offered now, through no one's fault but his own, but still the feeling remained.

Minato doesn't know what Zuko has done, doesn't know his past or his family. He takes Zuko at face value, and he's only known him a few months, but somehow, that makes it easier. Because he knows Minato isn't lying when he speaks that last sentence. And he knows Minato's right.

So, quietly, slowly, Zuko reaches back, grasping the offered hope. Dropping his head, his bangs fall over his eyes, and he lets his body lean into the offered embrace, realizing belatedly he's trembling. But it's too late to pull away or hide again, too late to be ashamed, and--as if from far away--he realizes suddenly that he isn't. Still, he can't bring himself to look up, and the tears fall, hot and wet, upon his knees, staining the fabric.

How silly. He's too old to cry. But right now, somehow, he doesn't care.

Zuko makes no sound, the sobs catching silently in his throat.]

From:

foxtamer.livejournal.com

[Minato exhales softly in relief when Zuko finally stops holding himself back. Zuko needed to let the emotions out, to let them run their course, now while he was in a safe place. If he didn't do it now, they'd come back later, at the worst time, and strike him down.

When Zuko leans into his touch, Minato completes it, wrapping his arm around Zuko's shoulders and pulling the teen against his own. It's probably as much contact as Zuko's pride will tolerate at the moment, and Minato smiles sadly. Zuko at least knew now that Minato wouldn't think any less of him if he's upset. Appearances weren't important at times like this.

He doesn't say a word as Zuko cries. Words also weren't important at a time like this. The only thing that was important right now was his presence, and that he was here for Zuko.]

From:

forged_anew

[It takes a few minutes, but after a while, the boy's tears finally stop, his shuddering breathing slowly quieting down to normal. Face buried in Minato's shoulder, he doesn't look up for a long while, completely still and silent. He might have been mistaken for asleep if not for the way his fingers were still clenched tightly around the material of his pants, though his fists had stopped trembling in his lap.

After several more minutes, he finally shifts slightly, pulling his face away and looking down, in the opposite direction. Hastily, he brings up a hand, wiping the traces of his breakdown away on his sleeve, still silent, and continues to keep his face hidden, scrubbing at his eyes.

There's nothing to say. He's never been in this kind of situation before, and he's completely at a loss. He wants to apologize for letting anyone see him like this, but he knows Minato wouldn't accept it. He wants to say thank you, but that doesn't even begin to cover it. He's exhausted, emotionally and mentally, and words just aren't coming to him, so he sits there awkwardly cleaning his face and says nothing.

But he doesn't move away, Minato's arm still around his shoulders.]

From:

foxtamer.livejournal.com

[Minato is a bit surprised when Zuko presses his face against his shoulder, and then he smiles sadly. Zuko really was letting the emotions run their course. The former Hokage is simply glad that he can help him recover from his ordeal. Even with this, Zuko won't have dealt with it sufficiently--but he'll bring the emotions down to a level that he can handle on his own... or with friends, if he so chooses.

Eventually, the boy--no, young man--calms down and begins wiping away his tears. Minato leans back and closes his eyes, letting Zuko have a bit of privacy in that moment. But he still doesn't let go.

He does eventually open his eyes again, however, and shift his hand on Zuko's shoulder so that he can muss with Zuko's hair again. It has a double purpose--to show comfort and to allow Zuko to pull away from Minato, if he so chooses. The pride of a teenager is a very tempermental thing.]

... Before you even get to worrying about it, I won't tell a soul about this. I want you to be able to come to me if you need to.

From:

forged_anew

[His face sufficiently dry again, Zuko finally looks up as Minato ruffles his hair again gently. The thought came unbidden--and would probably remain unvoiced--but he suddenly realizes he's beginning to like that gesture. It's comforting, for some reason he can't explain, and he doesn't mind. Not that he's going to tell Minato or anyone else that. But the fact that he doesn't move away kind of shows it anyway.

Minato's promise had already been assumed, but his decision to voice it comforts Zuko anyway. Trust. He wants to trust Minato, keep trusting him, actually. There aren't many people he trusts unconditionally, but maybe Minato's earning his way onto that very short list.

A tiny smile forms on Zuko's lips as he gives Minato his answer. It's only a word, but his tone speaks volumes more. It's a thank you and a shy apology, a promise and a leap of faith all in one.]

Okay.

From:

foxtamer.livejournal.com

[It's just like Naruto, really. After the first few times, he really only was annoyed for show. But Zuko is far more tolerant... for now, anyways.

Minato returns his smile, then returns his arm to the back of the couch where it had been earlier. Zuko probably had so much of a tolerance for his personal bubble being violated. Teenagers.]

... Good. [Minato grins wider.] You don't wanna argue with me. You'd lose.

From:

forged_anew

[Zuko settles back against the couch as Minato moves, shifting several inches away, but this time not clear to the far edge like he'd been before.

He pats his hair down from Minato's messing with it, scratching the back of his neck a little sheepishly, then smiles some more, though his attempt at a teasing tone is still a bit weak.]

I don't know. I'm good at arguing too. But I'll take your word for it for now.

Edited Date: 2009-08-26 11:50 am (UTC)

From:

foxtamer.livejournal.com

[It wasn't surprising that Zuko took a bit of space of space for himself, which is why Minato tried to make it as naturally as possible for him to do so.

When Zuko makes his comment, Minato chuckles.]

All young men your age are good at arguing. Now whether they're good at convincing arguments--that is another thing entirely.

From:

forged_anew

[Zuko chuckles quietly, still a little timid but slowly settling back to normal--since it was in no way "normal" for Zuko to be timid. Blinking, he rubs his eye again, realizing suddenly he's exhausted. He hadn't really slept since... waking up.

Oh, well. It's the middle of the afternoon. Stupid time to be sleepy.]

Okay, I'll agree with you there... though I happen to think I'm good at both.

[Now he's just arguing for the sake of arguing, something that seemed relatively everyday.]

From:

foxtamer.livejournal.com

[Minato grinned widely at Zuko's response.]

I'm sure I'll get to find out about that eventually. But for now, it sounds like you could use a nap. I wore you out, didn't I?